Not Amused

So here we go.

I can feel myself getting more and more angry. I know this shouldn't happen en hate myself for it. Fact is, the feeling is here and I will have to deal with it. I can't help but wonder, how did I come to be such a jealous bitch? Better question, how do I make it stop?

Not quite sure spamming online is the best idea I've had today, quite sure it is not. However, I need to get rid of this and tell it to some stranger. Let's start hoping you don't know me, that would make this easier.

Having said that,

It all started some months ago, with me browsing through my boyfriends computer. I do this a lot, and quite enjoy it. This has made me realize I'm quite the voyeur. Not ashamed of that. No problem there.
So, browsing around, hoping to find embarrassing nude pictures of some ex-girlfriend or other, I ended up in the email inbox. But I realize that is not really important right now.

What does seem to piss me off, is some "ex" of his. Not quite sure how to call her, as for the nature of the relationship they had. -Being the nosiest person alive, I of course know all the ins and outs of every relationship he's ever had.-
I can't really get around to what or why I have such issues with her. Could it be jealousy? I don't think so... Can't be about wanting to have him, I do, she doesn't. Not a problem. Can't be about looks, I don't think I'm pretty or anything - haven't found a person who hates me more than I do- but she's just fugly! I'm not the one to judge easily, but, yuck. Somehow the fact he's been with her, in her, just grosses me out. And why?! For the love of a god, why?! I am very much in search for the answer to that, yet I haven't found it. Hah, wouldn't be writing this if I had, now would I?!

Clearly being on the brink of insanity, healthy as can be!

By the by, are you cold as well? I'm bloody freezing here... Not amused.

But here I am, still pissed at this girl who doesn't even know my name. I think. I hope. I don't want her to know my name, or anything about me. Urgh.

Let's face it, I have a problem. And not a solution yet. Good side of this story; I changed the sheets on my bed, am doing laundry and tidy up the house. Which is nice, although a book and sleep would be nice too.

Bugger it. Usually writing it down helps, makes my head clear and the stress less. Not today sadly. Still bloody pissed off at some girl I don't know.

And also for some reason, I want to yell at him, as if it's his fault. Poor guy, gladly he's asleep and safe from my wrath.

I can be nasty you know...

Not sure what to write anymore either. Had really kind of hoped to feel better after spamming, instead of tired and cold. Now having to wait for the laundry before being able to sleep.


- Merping out.

Again and again

I know I've been mostly writing about love lately. I hope I don't get boring in my ramblings, but to be honest I don't even know who reads this anyway. So I decide here and now not to care. There. Done.

Since that night some time ago, I haven't heard this song. Tonight I miss him enough to turn it on. I can keep myself from crying, but this song will never be the same to me again. OK, that was a lie, I do find myself crying again. It's just the thought about him, everything about him, makes me so full of happiness and love and joy and it just makes me cry.

I now know I am Cinderella. I always felt that way, but without happy ending it wasn't real.
And to this day, 8 months later, I still feel like the spell could break at any moment.

Hearing this song, I picture myself as Cinderella, in the pretty dress, dancing her way into heaven with her prince.
I know he doesn't like me calling him perfect. But I cannot stress enough he is my prince charming, my one true love.

I do enjoy this happy writing a lot more than the sad writings I did before. I don't care if anyone reads this, this is the story of my life. For, my life has only begun this March. Everything before was just practice, a test to deem me worthy.


Drifting off on my pink cloud

- Cinderella

While on a train...

After figuring out how to get this to work on my phone, I forgot what I wanted to write.  Sadly enough the screen on my phone isn't big enough to actually bsee what I'm b writing anyway. it leaves me pondering hlw useful a tabket would be aht this moment.  But I would bneed Internet of course vto use Blogger.  Problem no 2. 1 was not having a tablet btw. Reviewing what I wrote so far only makes this feeling stronger.  I so dislike grammar mistakes.  And now my own own writing is full of itm

Sometimes I ponder the things I do daily. How can it be I cannot get myself to do certain things, while I'm sure I'll be better if I do? Like cleaning the house,have been trying this for weeks, the place gets filthier and filthier, but I can't seem to find the energy to do it. Another thing is sport. I really have to work out, my body tells me I have to. I've been telling myself this for weeks. Have I gone to Zumba classes? Of course not. I did look up a place where to go, just have to GO. I tell myself I am too busy, but with what? Work? Only work 3 days this week, no excuse. So instead I just sleep so long I simply cannot do it. Woke up at 12, have to work at 14:30. So need to shower and eat and tend to my bird. And also write this nonsense on the web of course. I always have time to write ^^

And now for something completely different.

Did I mention I have the most amazing boyfriend I could ever imagine?! I probably did mention.
It just kinda surprises me every time. How did it come to this, why now, why this way? Instead of asking questions I know I should just be thankful and enjoy the good times. But that's just not how I am. I'm always whining and nagging about stuff. And to be honest, I enjoy it.

But who knew a simple night hanging out could turn out to be so special. I'm really not sure how to describe it. Not sure I should share this feeling anyway. But I still want to write it down. However, if I cannot put words to it sufficiently, it may sound silly. I dislike the idea of this sounding silly.

It's just that, one one ever played beautiful, romantic music for me. Or danced with me on that music. Apparently it made me blush, afterwards when I was alone it made me cry. The whole realization that this guy, who I must've looked at a million times, thinking how cute and sexy and lovely he was, is now finally mine. And I no longer have to hide the way I look at him, loving, longing.
I've always told myself an old fashioned guy was hard to come by, knowing he was always the only one I knew. I've always wondered how it could be, a gentleman in modern times. He doesn't know I think this, I never told him. Come to think of it, I never told anyone. No one I ever told how much I loved him, and have for years.
The more I think of the whole thing, the weirder it becomes. It has never been my way to ignore feelings for someone, I always had to have them. How is it possible that with this one guy everything changed? All I ever did and thought. I know the answer of course, this is how it was meant to be. I first had to find my own way out of the prison I built for myself. Trapped inside my head, not a pretty place to live I can tell you. I came through my darkest times, into the sunlight. And there he was, shining even brighter than before.

I can honestly say, I'm happiest I've ever been.

To you, my love. My True Love


-  Cinderella

Here We Are Now Entertain Us

Love lifts us up where we belong,
Where eagles fly, on a mountain high.

But love can also chop you down,
leave you bleedin' in the gutter.

For the past 2 days I've been sort of catapulted between the two. Rather tiring I can tell you. One moment to burst into tears at the very thought, the other missing him and just wishing I could forget.

As usual, the only person I blame is me. As there is no one else to blame as usual.
We all get what we deserve don't we? Well, I sometimes get a sniff of happiness and believe it's my turn to be happy for a change. The next moment I get cut down like a tree and find myself lying down on the floor, looking up and wondering wth just happened.

This is really the story of my life. As far as I can think back, I find myself looking up. Growing towards the light again, feeling the sun on my leaves for some time. Then getting cut down again, processed into firewood and ending up in someones stove.

Why I think like this? No idea. Just felt like the best way to describe it.

Also wondering why I have to change to English when I'm upset of overjoyed? Not really have a clear answer to that either. I suppose it's easier. I express myself easier in English than Dutch. Always have since I learned English.

I should be asleep right now, have a party to go to later.
But I just had to tell someone how I feel.
And as there's no one that really gets me atm, I write it to you.
My dear reader, who is anonymous. Who is always there for me, never asks questions, lets me be myself completely.

It's nice, you know, to sometimes just "talk" to someone. Someone that won't answer, won't wait for me to say more, but will never interrupt me when I do speak. Always willing to hear my stories, not judging me for being me.

I know I'm a messed up person, always have when I think about it.
Although we never talk about it, there's few people truly happy with who they are. What they look like, what their name is. This is things you can change of course, up to a certain point.

But sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Failing my mission here in the world, without even knowing what it is.
Because you won't know 'till afterwards of course. But here I am, wondering. Do I do wrong? If so, what is it I do wrong and how could I change that? If not, why don't I get the feeling I'm on the right track, and should continue the way I go. It's a bit late to request to cancel the mission I guess. Lost my receipt, no takings back.

And so we plough on. Bumping into things, falling down, getting back up again, searching for the lost. Finding rather little of that I must admit. I got out of the dark a bit but just fell right back in again yesterday. I think it's been at least 3 or 4 years ago I've felt this upset. This lost. I still know who I am, just can't seem to figure out right at this moment where I came from, how I came to be this and how to move forward again. for we must continue forward. There is no turning back, choices have been made, scratched into me so I remember for at least a few days.

Let us pray to the Goddess; to show the way, light the darkness and help find the way. Get me back on track again as I will always serve you. I root in your soil, it is your sunlight and rain that make me grow and blossom. Please, dear Mother, save me from this eternal darkness I seem to find myself in. I know now my ways have been bad, I will work hard to better myself. I see now. Thank you, Mother, Blessed be You for now and ever.

It's all about knowlegde

I here I am today, on an everlasting journey to knowledge and truth. Today I found out something about myself. Something that's been there forever but never had a name, until now.

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

Really I should be cleaning, showering, doing groceries or gaming. Failing at all of them atm. 's got to be a new achievement of some kind, failing at 4 things at the same time. Add eating to that list.
 Anyway, somehow ended up looking through all my photographs of the last 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years. Been through 2 relationships, have gone on a lot of holidays, made a lot of friends, dyed my hair a lot, on and on it goes. I used to take a lot more photo's then nowadays. Maybe I should pic my camera up again. Photos are needed to keep my memories. Looking at all those years made me realize I tend to get stuck in the negative of things. Thinking of M. there's mostly happy memories anyway, except for the last months when things went downhill. That is what I see in my photos, I see happy people in love, thinking back it still hurts a little. I don't think you forget you first love. Everything is fresh and new and exciting and a little scary. It's good we've had those years. It's good they've passed. Heartbroken as I was at that time, vulnerable for any love I could get. Still wondering how I could've let it happen the way it did. I don't think it's ever been fair to him anyway. Talking about J now. I somehow keep wondering what was up with me and why it all happened. But looking at the photos I realized I did love him, we did have good times. It wasn't easy all the time, I wasn't happy all the time. But is he to blame? I don't think so, not all of it anyway. I blame myself for not being honest with myself, with him. But how could you tell someone you know you're not forever? I had fun, as long as it lasted. And when the time came to move on, I could. Easily, because I'd always told myself I could leave when I wanted, I had no obligations towards this ... boy? Looking at the photos made me realize he is a good person, and I've always known. He doesn't deserve the way I sometimes think and talk about him. He can't help having a shitty family and bad luck with his looks. Deep down, I've always believed he could be something more, be better. I just wasn't the person to show him, it felt too much like work. And still I regret sticking with it for so long. Although I'm convinced it's all been the exact right time, for everything. Nothing ever happens coincidentally, it all has a bigger meaning.
 Lately I have been thinking a lot. And I can't seem to figure out why. Maybe it's because I am me again. For some years I've pretended to be someone I'm not. It's not me to shut up and smile and nod when I have something to say. To agree on things I disagree on so much. You cannot pin me down and make me do things. I'm a free spirit. I need to be able to fly away and settle down again when it's my time. Now, when I think about my life, my Me, I can for the first time in my life say, I am Free. I have my own home, my own job, my own will. I do what I want, when I want it.
 Happiness does exist, you just have to make it yourself. I have always been waiting and wishing for it, but I have somehow shown myself that it is Me that has to be happy on my own. There isn't anyone who can snap their fingers and assure my happiness. I can. It may not be as easy as just snapping your fingers, but it helps.

- Fly like an Eagle.

Over the past month I've heard too much about "true love", makes it sounds a bit dull and cheeky. However, every time I hear it or just think about love, my heart jumps. I never thought I could feel like this, never thought I deserved happiness. And here I am, happier than I could have ever dreamed. One song on repeat and while I should be cleaning I'm dreaming.

How could I ever tell anyone that I have felt like Cinderella over the past years? Stuck in a position I never wanted to be in, having to psychologically clean and take abuse from not a stepmother but a non-official mother-in-law. How could I tell anyone about my dreams, the hope to be rescued by my prince? When no one would understand. But dreams I had, whenever I watched a romantic movie I ended up crying my ass off for an hour after the movie had ended. Why? Because of the happy ending of course! For 3 years I have prayed to the Goddess and any other god that would hear to save me and make me happy. I guess it payed off in the end, not too sure what deity to thank, there's been so many listening to my prayers.

Hereby I thank any deity I may have prayed to for happiness, thank you for hearing my prayers and thank you for fulfilling my wish.

-  Cinderella

Describing feelings I can't describe

Oh my dearest if only I could tell you how I feel. I try and I try but the words elude me. The minute I try, the words forming in my head seem small and useless compared to the feeling inside.
I feel like a balloon deflating, my language and words escaping every time you come near. I wish I could unblock this and just tell you how I feel and what I wish for us.

The way you look at me with your incredibly beautiful blue eyes makes me forget everything I ever was and makes me want to be a better person.

Just the word Love doesn't quite describe what I feel. It's just so intense, mind- blowing, numbing... It fills me up to a point I can't feel any more inside, but it keeps building up until I feel I'm going to explode. At this point talking is nearly impossible and I just want to hold you and cry.

You still stun me with you directness. I envy that, but maybe I can learn.

Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision years ago. Should I've given in to what I felt then? Would I be less hurt the past years if I had? Or would we've grown apart rather than together?
I've been doubting myself all my life, never believing in myself making the right decision, but for the first time I can proudly say I know for sure I did right.

There is so much going on at the moment, I have difficulty figuring out what is relevant and what is not.
I need to write as much as needed to get my head sorted out again.

And now all that needs my attention is my soup and focusing on the last few days of my vacation.


-  Cinderella out

firstly a note to my only reader:
You will not confront me about this post, I need to rant.
Secondly, I hope you forgive me. (again)


While sitting here, boredom hits me. What should I do now...? Sadly, remembering shit from yesterday paranoid thoughts come up and fill my head. So I do the only thing I can at a time like this, check it out. So I logged in on Facebook and start searching for a message I know isn't there. Thinking I found something else I start reading, heart pounding, feeling ashamed and excited at the same time. After reading for a few minutes I just want to slap myself in de face. I fooled myself again, yay me.

The first person to tell you a relationship has to be built on trust or cannot otherwise exist, wil be me. But I still wonder every time it hits me, where do these other feelings come from? The ones afraid of betrayal, the feeling to must have control, know everything. I know I cannot know everything and I should stop trying to find out bad stuff about people I love.

The fact I couldn't resist again, fills me with self-loathing. That I just have to know, even though I know I trust him completely.

Question remains, where do all these feelings come from? I simply cannot keep blaming my ex. Surely some of it is in my nature. Plus, I would like to stop blaming him for stuff in general. It's done, I've moved on.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't done what I did, that whole relationship, the pain, the insecurity, the blaming myself for anything that happened.

Honestly, I'm glad no one reads this blog anyway, people wouldn't understand my rantings, it's not anything enjoyable to read, I don't inform or review, I just rant about my sad little life.

Fact is though, my head is just full atm and I need to get rid of it. I don't keep a diary because I cannot write. And since I can type, I will just blab all my stupid little thoughts out on the web. Having changed my name in order to avoid my ex getting angry at everything I put down.

So why am I still writing now? I put everything bothering me down already.
Fact is, I think I'm bothering myself. Might just be me being ill atm not being too happy about myself.

Yeah, I do think I'm about done now, plus I really cannot concentrate with my boyfriend acting all weird all the time.


- Cinderella

Confuzzeled

While trying not to kill this keyboard, and trying not to think about the possible consequences of writing this, I will continue.

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The one thing I cannot stand is lying. It makes me sick when I have to lie. Finding out about a lie is a nasty thing, especially when having sworn to another you would never.

The only thing I can do is wait for my phone to tell me I have a message and read the explanation.

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There we go, phone rang, and quite the timing too.
However I'm still puzzled, feeling quite less upset now. Probably were my paranoid feelings again, will have to try to get rid of those at some point.

It's no good having the urge every time to completely check someones PC when they're not around. However, now I can be honest about it at least. Honesty helps in a relationship.

I know I trust him completely, but the way I'm still paranoid (OK it's less than before, but still there sadly), doesn't help at all.

It's just the way one text message will just take it all away, makes me trust the future, I will be okay at some point.

I have faith the two of us can handle anything that comes our way.

♥

So why is it, I can look back on the past few years of my life and have SO many mixed feelings?!

There is regret, a LOT of regret. Why did I stick with him for so long? Why did I make myself believe happiness wasn't for me? Why .... so many why

Seeing pictures of a really close friend bringing me to tears, not having seen her for 3 years. Simply not having enough money to go and visit her, having to idea what her day to day life looks like. It kills me a little.

Same weirdness, whenever my bf isn't near me for longer than a day, I have to convince myself he's really real. I've been living this fairy tale more to the letter then I've realized, I see now.
Will this be it then? Is he the Prince?

Nothing is ever clear at present time, I just kinda wooze through life, falling from one surprise into another.
I think I wasn't present when they handed out all the protocols. I sense I'm missing a few, and no one seems to be able to fill in the blanks.

Whoever thought breaking up with someone you stopped loving could be so damn hard?

Someone could have told me years ago that I didn't have to punish myself for moving on without moving on.... (at least I'm sure no one gets this one, however I seriously doubt anyone reads my ramblings anyway)

I should have gone to sleep an hour ago, this is what you get for staying up past your bedtime. It's emo time!
I don't think I like emo time.

Somehow when I'm tired and wobbly emotional I always take a trip down memory lane, making myself feel everything again. All those feelings long felt, long  gone, they come back whenever there's the slightest trigger.

I wonder, I do certainly  wonder a lot. About stuff. Anything really.

Okay stop.

When the brain decides to start writing down everything phonetically it really is time to go sleep.


-  Cinderella out.

And so we move on

So I decided I had to break up with my boyfriend.
I did so last week. The breakup was bad. No biggie, I'll get over is faster than he will. I saw it coming...

But here we are, a week later.
He said yesterday it's OK to make it official, so we put in on FB.
The first person to respond to it, within seconds, an old friend. Been friends with him nearly 10 years, see him once every 2 years maybe. Have had a thing for him since I met him.
And now I can't get him out of my mind.
I know this is probably my mind coping with the loss of my boyfriend, with whom I've been for 3 years.
But it doesn't make it less confusing to can't stop thinking about some other guy.

Yes I have had a crush on him for too long, and last time I saw him, I did hope he would tell me he liked me.
And yes, that is also about a year ago.
But the thing with this guy is, he can make me laugh as no other can, cheers me up when I'm down. But I really don't get him! I have no clue how me might possibly feel about me, and usually I'm pretty good at telling how people feel, it's my bloody job to!

So what to do now?
We agreed to date as soon as I've moved. And I can't stop thinking about that now, and I won't be moving for another 2 weeks. Enough time to drive myself clinically insane. Good thing my new house is near a psychiatric hospital... can get myself committed in to time.

But seriously,
how am I going to endure the torture my head is putting me through?!
I can't just go asking him, can I? I'd risk years of friendship for a possibility on a relationship I'm not even ready for. With a guy I apparently don't know well enough to read his feelings.

Ugh.

Cinderella out.

The doubts, will they ever end?

One moment I feel sick missing him, wanting to be with him. While the other moment I can't get far away enough from him. I want to be rid of him, want to start living for real.
When will I know what is the real feeling? When I look at other people, I see love, tenderness, where I don't always feel it. Sometimes when I look at him, I see