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 My husband accuses me of being perpetually unhappy and unsatisfied. And I'm afraid he might be right. I am unhappy and unsatisfied. And I want to blame him, but if I'm honest, I'm not sure that's fair. In fact, the only time I remember actually being happy for a longer period of time, is when I wasn't in a relationship. Which I think about often. What if I'm not meant to be together with someone? I do get annoyed and fed up and want to run away quite often. Might have something to do with hormones, I'm not sure. I just want to be free and run wild and not accommodate anyone else but me. I want to flirt endlessly with anyone, with life in general. I want to soar!

But here I am, stuck in this life I chose. Because I did chose this for myself. I went to look for a partner, said yes to moving in together, getting married. Sometimes I look back and it feels as if someone else made all those choices. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my house, and my life in general. I just want to run away from it all sometimes. Do you get that as well or is it just me? It feels wrong to want this. It feels as if I don't appreciate everything I have. Which I do. I have a good life. I just want more freedom. To talk to whoever I want, flirt with whoever I want, maybe fuck whoever I want. But probably, when I might achieve any or all of those things, they won't satisfy me anymore as well.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just accept life as it is and do the motions and be content...? I feel like most people are able to just live and accept and move through life. Just work, and kids, and hobbies and ageing and dying... It sounds so.... average. Nothing wrong with that, right? Just life.

No, not me! I go crazy at the thought of doing just that. I need colour and taste and experiences. The problem with that is that when I've experienced something, done something, it gets ticked off a list. And isn't special or new anymore after that. And I search for the next high. It's a good thing I'm afraid of drugs and heights.... I might be doing some actual crazy shit otherwise. So there's some luck.

But it still leaves me with this feeling inside me, this urge to go and DO SOMETHING. To soar to unbelievable heights (metaphorically.) I'm my own worst enemy, as any of my former therapists will confirm. 

I often long for simpler times, maybe just because the choices were limited then. This is life, this is what you do and you find joy in small things. Especially as a female. Not in this day and age, you can dream big! And if you work hard, you can make all your dreams come true!! Who the hell came up with that idea...? It makes life so much harder. Because if I work the hardest I can, I will just keel over and feel shitty. And then have to climb back up again. Not soaring or achieving dreams, heartache and broken dreams.

Doesn't help that my body is faulty I suppose, it just doesn't work like it should. Seems like half the time I'm battling my own body instead of living life. 

But we soldier on, as best we can. Writing blogs when we should be in bed, sleeping... Stuff like that. 

On this Beltane eve, when we celebrate new beginnings and the start of things growing again and preparing for summer. I'm burning incense to shoo away the mosquito that kept me awake half the night last night. At least I'm burning something, right?

Oh well. If you're still reading this, thanks for staying and listening to me whine (again.) Drop a note if you like, I'm always curious about who actually reads the shit I sling onto the web.

With love, and many thanks,

Mae

 Sorry in advance, I just need to rant.

This past week, I have felt SO GOOD. My body was working, I was feeling better. My head felt in a better place, I was ready to enjoy life again. Sounds good, right?

Today, I'm not having a good day. My body hurts all over, I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I can't get out of my own head, I feel like giving up on life, like I won't ever feel good again.

I'm so annoyed by this. I know I will feel better again, I know I am getting stronger and better and my therapy is working. I just can't feel it and believe it today. 

I'm just pissed at myself for not being able to accept this bad day and just ride it out, go to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be better.

The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm so, so afraid that this will be my life forever, flying high when I can but crashing so, so hard every time. I've always done this. And I'm supposed to be learning not to. To be learning how to cope with the ups and downs and to make sure I don't crash anymore. 

There just seems to be too much going on at the moment. I have to work on my health to get better and hopefully have a nice life. I also have to work so hard to see if I can get back to work, at the same time I have to focus on getting better and not on work. I also have to explore different kinds of jobs so that if I can't do my own job anymore I have other options. I haven't looked for a job in 10 years and it scares me to even think about writing letters and presenting myself in a good way. I don't think I'm all that special, I don't think I have a lot of skills that someone else doesn't also have. 10 years ago I couldn't even manage to find another job, and at that point I was very motivated to do so! Now I just want to get back to my job if I can and just enjoy life again.

I feel alone and invisible. I have major FOMO. I feel like I'm missing out on my own life... Just endlessly standing at the side-lines, watching others live. While I wait for my turn. Only it's never my turn. 

I want so many things. I want adventure and travel, I want to be content and happy, I want a baby so badly it hurts. 

So I push all my wants and dreams away and just try to soldier on.

I don't want to crawl, I want to soar!

But I was born without wings, and I'm terrified of heights so I guess crawling it is. 

Usually writing stuff down helps. Today it just makes me sad. And lonely. 

Well, I suppose that was my rant. I feel empty. Not lighter, just empty, dead inside.

Let's hope that tomorrow will actually be better.

And if not, I'll just run away to a dreamworld. Some nice place in the woods or mountains, with a beautiful hearth and a library, comfy seats and cushions everywhere. And a perfect, made up person, who always understands me.

I'll see you in my dreams... 

 Hello. Remember me? It's been 4 years since I wrote on here I just saw.

Well, I'd like to share something with you now. I wish I could say it is happy news. But I just feel sad. I feel lonely and unlovable. And I'm not too sure why.

Stuff happened. Life happened. Nothing out of the ordinary I suppose.

It just seems to me lately that people seem to care less and less about each other. Or maybe just about me in particular, not sure. Everyone just seems so absorbed in their own stuff and their own screens, that they just don't look around anymore. Don't seem to notice the world up close. The large world, the large news, yes. That's everywhere. But the world and people closest to me seem the furthest away. 

I long for connecting with the people I love. The most and closest contact I have with them is sharing videos on Instagram. It's just sad to me. 

Whenever I reach out, I feel shut down. People will say one thing and do another thing completely. I don't get it. I just want to keep the people that I love close to me. But the closer I want to be to someone, the further they seem to drift.

I long for joy in life. Just simple enjoyment. Not all this pain and disappointment. 

Why is it so difficult to be human? All these emotions, all this technology. All the worry and heartbreak. I long for simpler times. There is something so wonderful about writing a letter to someone who you feel so close to. 

I don't have an identity crisis. I think I have a time crisis. I really, very much dislike the time I live in. Just send me back to before telephone, before cars. I know life wasn't easy back then either. But it was simpler at least. You found our news months after something happened, so usually there was nothing you could do about it anyway. But now, news is almost instant. Anyone has an opinion about it and wants to be heard. People killing people over stuff said on the internet..... The world had gone mad. And it's just not fun anymore.

But go on we must. And hope that things will get better. I don't want to feel depressed and sad an unloved and unwanted. I want to have fun and soar and roar and dance and sing.... Sometimes it's just hard to feel the positivity. But I have to believe that things will get better. 

So here's to happiness and world peace and loving the people around us ❤️

 You know, like, fairytale endings? Well, I'm still dreaming about mine. I wonder if this ever stops. I have a good life, good stuff is happening. I am married to a great guy. I gave a nice house, a job that I love.

Then why, am I still waiting? What's so great about fairytales anyway? It always ends with a happy every after. Isn't that when it all starts? Boy meets girl, they fall in love... Get married. And then the story just stops. What do they do after that? What does a happy ending entail? What even is happiness?

I can't help but feel that life should be something more. I don't know what, just more. More than going to work every day and having a mortgage and doing laundry and the dishes... It's just dull, isn't it? Therefore, there must be something more to life. Because if it's just 50 something more years of this, why bother?

Ugh. I should just go to sleep and hope tomorrow will be a bit brighter. 

Ramblings, as per usual

 I just noticed that all my latest posts are about you. Why can't I be free of you? Why are you still in my thoughts and dreams?

I dreamed about you. You just showed up at my house one day, with your 6 year old son. Craziest dream, but awesome at the same time. You were so happy. Such a proud dad. I hope with all my heart that this will be in your future ❤️

I still hope you'll get back in touch with me some day. If only so that I can explain what happened before and why. 

I don't think you've ever realised what you mean to me. And sometimes I wonder if you cared at all. I somehow feel that "online" doesn't mean the same to you as "real". Although some people online are trolls and just laughing at others, most people out there are on the Internet for rather more serious reasons. And the fact that we find them funny or pitiful doesn't mean that their intentions are so. For instance, I'm part of a cat group on Facebook. Just because I thought that would be fun. In reality there seem to be a lot of really dumb people asking help with the cat related issues. Most of the time I think it's really silly and useless stuff to take all that time to put a question up on Facebook, when just googling the answer, or calling the vet for advice, would be so much quicker and way more efficient!

Not sure why I went into that rant, it's just something that's been bothering me a while. I may have to exit that Facebook group. Seems like it annoys me rather a lot more than I realised.

How do people cope with all these emotions and feelings anyway? It's exhausting. I've only recently learned that I am an introvert. And that a lot of the things I experience are not as weird as I thought they were. A lot of people experience the same things! I wish I found Instagram years ago. There is a lot on there that helps me make sense of who I am and the world around me. 

 I sadly don't have a song with my husband.

But we do have a song. Don't you forget....

https://youtu.be/pE2YKq_093U 

 How can I hate you and miss you at the same time? It's so annoying!