A Stroll Down Memory Lane

Really I should be cleaning, showering, doing groceries or gaming. Failing at all of them atm. 's got to be a new achievement of some kind, failing at 4 things at the same time. Add eating to that list.
 Anyway, somehow ended up looking through all my photographs of the last 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years. Been through 2 relationships, have gone on a lot of holidays, made a lot of friends, dyed my hair a lot, on and on it goes. I used to take a lot more photo's then nowadays. Maybe I should pic my camera up again. Photos are needed to keep my memories. Looking at all those years made me realize I tend to get stuck in the negative of things. Thinking of M. there's mostly happy memories anyway, except for the last months when things went downhill. That is what I see in my photos, I see happy people in love, thinking back it still hurts a little. I don't think you forget you first love. Everything is fresh and new and exciting and a little scary. It's good we've had those years. It's good they've passed. Heartbroken as I was at that time, vulnerable for any love I could get. Still wondering how I could've let it happen the way it did. I don't think it's ever been fair to him anyway. Talking about J now. I somehow keep wondering what was up with me and why it all happened. But looking at the photos I realized I did love him, we did have good times. It wasn't easy all the time, I wasn't happy all the time. But is he to blame? I don't think so, not all of it anyway. I blame myself for not being honest with myself, with him. But how could you tell someone you know you're not forever? I had fun, as long as it lasted. And when the time came to move on, I could. Easily, because I'd always told myself I could leave when I wanted, I had no obligations towards this ... boy? Looking at the photos made me realize he is a good person, and I've always known. He doesn't deserve the way I sometimes think and talk about him. He can't help having a shitty family and bad luck with his looks. Deep down, I've always believed he could be something more, be better. I just wasn't the person to show him, it felt too much like work. And still I regret sticking with it for so long. Although I'm convinced it's all been the exact right time, for everything. Nothing ever happens coincidentally, it all has a bigger meaning.
 Lately I have been thinking a lot. And I can't seem to figure out why. Maybe it's because I am me again. For some years I've pretended to be someone I'm not. It's not me to shut up and smile and nod when I have something to say. To agree on things I disagree on so much. You cannot pin me down and make me do things. I'm a free spirit. I need to be able to fly away and settle down again when it's my time. Now, when I think about my life, my Me, I can for the first time in my life say, I am Free. I have my own home, my own job, my own will. I do what I want, when I want it.
 Happiness does exist, you just have to make it yourself. I have always been waiting and wishing for it, but I have somehow shown myself that it is Me that has to be happy on my own. There isn't anyone who can snap their fingers and assure my happiness. I can. It may not be as easy as just snapping your fingers, but it helps.

- Fly like an Eagle.

Over the past month I've heard too much about "true love", makes it sounds a bit dull and cheeky. However, every time I hear it or just think about love, my heart jumps. I never thought I could feel like this, never thought I deserved happiness. And here I am, happier than I could have ever dreamed. One song on repeat and while I should be cleaning I'm dreaming.

How could I ever tell anyone that I have felt like Cinderella over the past years? Stuck in a position I never wanted to be in, having to psychologically clean and take abuse from not a stepmother but a non-official mother-in-law. How could I tell anyone about my dreams, the hope to be rescued by my prince? When no one would understand. But dreams I had, whenever I watched a romantic movie I ended up crying my ass off for an hour after the movie had ended. Why? Because of the happy ending of course! For 3 years I have prayed to the Goddess and any other god that would hear to save me and make me happy. I guess it payed off in the end, not too sure what deity to thank, there's been so many listening to my prayers.

Hereby I thank any deity I may have prayed to for happiness, thank you for hearing my prayers and thank you for fulfilling my wish.

-  Cinderella

Describing feelings I can't describe

Oh my dearest if only I could tell you how I feel. I try and I try but the words elude me. The minute I try, the words forming in my head seem small and useless compared to the feeling inside.
I feel like a balloon deflating, my language and words escaping every time you come near. I wish I could unblock this and just tell you how I feel and what I wish for us.

The way you look at me with your incredibly beautiful blue eyes makes me forget everything I ever was and makes me want to be a better person.

Just the word Love doesn't quite describe what I feel. It's just so intense, mind- blowing, numbing... It fills me up to a point I can't feel any more inside, but it keeps building up until I feel I'm going to explode. At this point talking is nearly impossible and I just want to hold you and cry.

You still stun me with you directness. I envy that, but maybe I can learn.

Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision years ago. Should I've given in to what I felt then? Would I be less hurt the past years if I had? Or would we've grown apart rather than together?
I've been doubting myself all my life, never believing in myself making the right decision, but for the first time I can proudly say I know for sure I did right.

There is so much going on at the moment, I have difficulty figuring out what is relevant and what is not.
I need to write as much as needed to get my head sorted out again.

And now all that needs my attention is my soup and focusing on the last few days of my vacation.


-  Cinderella out

firstly a note to my only reader:
You will not confront me about this post, I need to rant.
Secondly, I hope you forgive me. (again)


While sitting here, boredom hits me. What should I do now...? Sadly, remembering shit from yesterday paranoid thoughts come up and fill my head. So I do the only thing I can at a time like this, check it out. So I logged in on Facebook and start searching for a message I know isn't there. Thinking I found something else I start reading, heart pounding, feeling ashamed and excited at the same time. After reading for a few minutes I just want to slap myself in de face. I fooled myself again, yay me.

The first person to tell you a relationship has to be built on trust or cannot otherwise exist, wil be me. But I still wonder every time it hits me, where do these other feelings come from? The ones afraid of betrayal, the feeling to must have control, know everything. I know I cannot know everything and I should stop trying to find out bad stuff about people I love.

The fact I couldn't resist again, fills me with self-loathing. That I just have to know, even though I know I trust him completely.

Question remains, where do all these feelings come from? I simply cannot keep blaming my ex. Surely some of it is in my nature. Plus, I would like to stop blaming him for stuff in general. It's done, I've moved on.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't done what I did, that whole relationship, the pain, the insecurity, the blaming myself for anything that happened.

Honestly, I'm glad no one reads this blog anyway, people wouldn't understand my rantings, it's not anything enjoyable to read, I don't inform or review, I just rant about my sad little life.

Fact is though, my head is just full atm and I need to get rid of it. I don't keep a diary because I cannot write. And since I can type, I will just blab all my stupid little thoughts out on the web. Having changed my name in order to avoid my ex getting angry at everything I put down.

So why am I still writing now? I put everything bothering me down already.
Fact is, I think I'm bothering myself. Might just be me being ill atm not being too happy about myself.

Yeah, I do think I'm about done now, plus I really cannot concentrate with my boyfriend acting all weird all the time.


- Cinderella