So, I've been thinking... A lot, the last few days. And I can again, since the doctor found out I was dosing myself with too much medication, which interfered with coherent thought. But I won't bore you with that story.

The thing on my mind these last few days has a lot to do with color. The color green mostly. Look outside, isn't it beautiful!? All the trees have got fresh new leaves and the breeze blowing through them is just wonderful. And I sit inside looking out. Yay, allergies. But I don't want to get into that at this moment.

I just want to write down my ponderings about the amazing colors and beauty this world holds.
When thinking about beauty, so many wonderful pictures come to mind when I close my eyes. What saddens me about all this, is the fact that I can hold so little of this beauty, so little of it is actually mine. And what is mine, I usually refuse to share with anyone. The word coming to mind here is jealousy. Which I consider an issue of mine. I can be happy with all the beauty in my life, but after some time I seem to grow bored of it all and want something new. I tend to observe other people and decide they have what I want and I grow jealous. I can sit around hating myself for this, but that won't be of much use to anyone. So I write.

Back to colors it is then, and of course something about love, which I can't not write about somehow. Because the color red and love are linked. Red can be found in different shades of course, but when thinking about the color red one usually thinks about bright red, flashing color. Flashing bright red, heart shaped or otherwise. I have come to appreciate the color red since some time now. I used to be all about greens (still am) and pink and purple and the occasional blue, but now it's all about red.

Red is the color of the Muladhara chakra, the first chakra. I used to have trouble connecting to it. But it's a lot better now. It contains the survival instinct and the need to feel safe. It's also what helps you ground yourself well. In this changing part in my life, do I seek safety in places which I know will not provide?

My fantasy seems to be running away with me lately. I'm having issues keeping grounded, would rather flow away on this feeling.

My strong chakra is my heart chakra, Anahata, which is green. My love is my strength. My ability to love unconditionally.

So then, what do these two have to do with each other? I don't have the answer. Just a feeling. I can't explain my attraction to red lately. Whilst sitting in my green room, I'm looking out of the window at all the green in my world. It makes my heart jump.

I'm afraid, I admit. This new sensation makes the foundation of my whole being rumble. The foundation that I have been trying to steady the last few years.

I have to keep strong, keep myself moving in the right direction. I will make the right decisions.



                                                 I will follow my green heart.

These feelings that I get

So I know I am I am super sensitive. And I am kinda okay with that, most of the time. Just, at some moments I wonder why. 2 days from today, would have been my aunts 66th birthday, only she passed away last year. Now my grandmother and cousin want to get together to "celebrate" her birthday together. To remember her. I agreed to participate in this. I hope it will help me get some closure. Her being gone is the weirdest thing I have experienced. The loss I feel seems out of proportions... Both my granddads have passed, and I don't remember feeling this lost. I can reason to myself why this feels different from then but I can't explain my feelings. It's not like I was super close with my aunt, not like I was with my granddad. I saw her 3 times a year, tops. And it's not like I still had stuff I wanted to talk to her about, like I do have with my granddad.
I feel bad for not saying proper goodbye, but the realization that someone is soon to pass, and it actually happening is a completely different something. I knew she was going to die for some weeks before it happened. But then she was just gone, and we were off on our planned holiday for 5 days... It was weird. I never got to see her again, to see that she was gone. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. On the one side, I feel like I should have said goodbye, to help me cope. On the other hand, I feel scared just imagining seeing her being dead. It's not a choice I had, when the memorial service was held, I was abroad.

I just sometimes wonder why I feel more strongly than others. I tried making contact with her, to see if I could feel if she was okay. It was too soon for her, if she'll ever be able to make contact with me, which I am not sure of.

It made me think of the one time I had contact with my granddad. I know he is always near, but he cannot come every time I call. Which is good I suppose, not being able to be in contact with the deceased all the time. It just wouldn't be healthy.

I'm just afraid that showing my feelings when I'm with my family on Saturday, will show disrespect somehow. They lost a daughter, a mother and a sister. In my eyes, that is so much more painful than losing an aunt. I'm sure they won't mind if I do get emotional, it just worries me...

~Megan~