So I know I am I am super sensitive. And I am kinda okay with that, most of the time. Just, at some moments I wonder why. 2 days from today, would have been my aunts 66th birthday, only she passed away last year. Now my grandmother and cousin want to get together to "celebrate" her birthday together. To remember her. I agreed to participate in this. I hope it will help me get some closure. Her being gone is the weirdest thing I have experienced. The loss I feel seems out of proportions... Both my granddads have passed, and I don't remember feeling this lost. I can reason to myself why this feels different from then but I can't explain my feelings. It's not like I was super close with my aunt, not like I was with my granddad. I saw her 3 times a year, tops. And it's not like I still had stuff I wanted to talk to her about, like I do have with my granddad.
I feel bad for not saying proper goodbye, but the realization that someone is soon to pass, and it actually happening is a completely different something. I knew she was going to die for some weeks before it happened. But then she was just gone, and we were off on our planned holiday for 5 days... It was weird. I never got to see her again, to see that she was gone. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. On the one side, I feel like I should have said goodbye, to help me cope. On the other hand, I feel scared just imagining seeing her being dead. It's not a choice I had, when the memorial service was held, I was abroad.
I just sometimes wonder why I feel more strongly than others. I tried making contact with her, to see if I could feel if she was okay. It was too soon for her, if she'll ever be able to make contact with me, which I am not sure of.
It made me think of the one time I had contact with my granddad. I know he is always near, but he cannot come every time I call. Which is good I suppose, not being able to be in contact with the deceased all the time. It just wouldn't be healthy.
I'm just afraid that showing my feelings when I'm with my family on Saturday, will show disrespect somehow. They lost a daughter, a mother and a sister. In my eyes, that is so much more painful than losing an aunt. I'm sure they won't mind if I do get emotional, it just worries me...
~Megan~
