Confuzzeled

While trying not to kill this keyboard, and trying not to think about the possible consequences of writing this, I will continue.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The one thing I cannot stand is lying. It makes me sick when I have to lie. Finding out about a lie is a nasty thing, especially when having sworn to another you would never.

The only thing I can do is wait for my phone to tell me I have a message and read the explanation.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There we go, phone rang, and quite the timing too.
However I'm still puzzled, feeling quite less upset now. Probably were my paranoid feelings again, will have to try to get rid of those at some point.

It's no good having the urge every time to completely check someones PC when they're not around. However, now I can be honest about it at least. Honesty helps in a relationship.

I know I trust him completely, but the way I'm still paranoid (OK it's less than before, but still there sadly), doesn't help at all.

It's just the way one text message will just take it all away, makes me trust the future, I will be okay at some point.

I have faith the two of us can handle anything that comes our way.

♥

So why is it, I can look back on the past few years of my life and have SO many mixed feelings?!

There is regret, a LOT of regret. Why did I stick with him for so long? Why did I make myself believe happiness wasn't for me? Why .... so many why

Seeing pictures of a really close friend bringing me to tears, not having seen her for 3 years. Simply not having enough money to go and visit her, having to idea what her day to day life looks like. It kills me a little.

Same weirdness, whenever my bf isn't near me for longer than a day, I have to convince myself he's really real. I've been living this fairy tale more to the letter then I've realized, I see now.
Will this be it then? Is he the Prince?

Nothing is ever clear at present time, I just kinda wooze through life, falling from one surprise into another.
I think I wasn't present when they handed out all the protocols. I sense I'm missing a few, and no one seems to be able to fill in the blanks.

Whoever thought breaking up with someone you stopped loving could be so damn hard?

Someone could have told me years ago that I didn't have to punish myself for moving on without moving on.... (at least I'm sure no one gets this one, however I seriously doubt anyone reads my ramblings anyway)

I should have gone to sleep an hour ago, this is what you get for staying up past your bedtime. It's emo time!
I don't think I like emo time.

Somehow when I'm tired and wobbly emotional I always take a trip down memory lane, making myself feel everything again. All those feelings long felt, long  gone, they come back whenever there's the slightest trigger.

I wonder, I do certainly  wonder a lot. About stuff. Anything really.

Okay stop.

When the brain decides to start writing down everything phonetically it really is time to go sleep.


-  Cinderella out.