Humble Ramblings

I have just been viewing my reader count. I am amazed. If all the people who come to this page actually read the story they find in front of them, I am humbled. I do wonder if people who click on something linking to my blog, do they read it? Speaking to you now, yes you, looking at the screen and reading these words that I typed down, could you please tell me what you think of my blogs? Would you tell me, what makes you find it in the first place, and what makes you read on?

I love writing blogs, I love writing in general. Although, that might not be true. I hate writing by hand, I get cramped up easily. I have always hated my own handwriting, but nowadays, when I put some effort into it, it looks alright to me! Which is quite the achievement, when you consider, I needed special lessons to learn how to write.

Writing is a way to ponder my feelings. About pretty much everything. So if indeed, there are people out there who enjoy my ramblings, share your thoughts and feelings!

So I kinda forgot why I decided to blog in the first place. Probably has to do with people. That seems to be my main cause to write. People who make me happy, people who make me sad. People that make me angry. And so forth.

You know, I started writing as Cinderella a few years ago, when anything I would write caused a fight with my ex. I never stopped writing, I hid it away where he couldn't find it. So Cinderella became my new identity on Blogger. But I rather like the reference. I can still feel like Cinderella, I know how sad and hurt I was back then. I did not have trouble with an evil stepmother but an evil mother-in-law. Hah. Glad to be rid of that! When I look at my life now, I can still be Cinderella, but completed with a prince and my own little castle. It is only a 4 room flat for now, but the dream is ever-growing. That feeling makes the dream true.

Sometimes it's not fair being a good person. I generally think I'm a good person. I'm always there for people, always mind to say "thank you" even though I don't mean it. Because it is the right thing to do. In return, I expect the same thing from the people around me. And they keep disappointing me. Again and again. Some days I'm not even sure why I bother. 

What it currently bothering me most, is the fact a former colleague of mine has got a new job. Good for her, I'm sincerely glad she got it. No problem there. She did however, ask me for my resume and the letter I wrote to the new job I got a few weeks before. Gladly I sent her the documents, hoping it would improve her chances getting the job. What really stings me though, is the fact she hasn't told me she got the job. I heard it from a friend. 
We have worked together for years and always had fun. I left only a few weeks before and couldn't help but compare the goodbye I got and the goodbye they're already organizing for her now (I got emails about that form my former work.) I've never complained about the party that was thrown for me, or the fact that only 2 people I worked with at the time (who organized it) bothered to actually come to the party. It was a good party, I had a good time and got a present I'm happy with (which does not however remind me so much of work, more of the friend who bought it for me.) So no complaining there. Then what's the big deal you might ask? The effort already put in this gift, a photo album. How nice. I didn't get one. She will. Sure, no problem. Oh wait, there is where my problem actually starts. That actually hurts. I love photos, am always making them, have always made photo albums for colleagues who left. I won't have one, unless I make one for myself. And that's a bit sad, so I won't. 

The whole thing just makes me feel under appreciated and unimportant. The fact that I know it's not true, doesn't help a bit. It just makes me angry with myself and want to sit in a corner and cry at how pathetic I am. 

I'm not exactly sure where this kind of jealousy (for that's what it is, isn't it?) comes from. At some point last year, I had the feeling she could be my friend. Later my friend pointed out she was not exactly the type to txt back or call to ask how you are, ergo, not friend material. Which got me thinking, as I always wonder, why didn't I see this? Why do I need others to make me realize stuff about people. It pisses me off and makes me sad at the same time. Why can't my feelings about other people (which are generally liking and accepting) just work out to work two ways? When I like someone, feel bad for their back luck in life, some other person has to tell me I can't trust them because they lie. And later it turns out  the person who told me not to trust the first one, can't be trusted either.... It's so confusing. 

I've sometimes wondered if I can only trust myself? That would make my life so incredibly boring. I don't mind telling you, I don't to well on my own. I'm a people person. Hah, how ironic is that, if I can't even tell who to trust and who not to?! 

Some days I love humanity no matter what. Other days I wonder why. People will hurt one another and will keep doing so until the end of time. Well let the bastards hurt other bastards but please leave me be.
And leave animals alone. When I see or hear what people will do to animals, I feel like bits of me die. I love animals better than people most of the time. They don't lie, ever. They will love you back if you love them. No questions asked. 

And now I think I'm going to take a long shower and cry for humanity.


~ Cinderella ~

So... about my life

Life has been smiling at me for the past 2 years. I felt I had everything I ever wished for. A nice house, a loving boyfriend, a good job, a bright future. A week and a half ago, this drastically changed. I found out my loving boyfriend had cyber-cheated on me. The question that has been bothering me since then has been, the yet unanswered, WHY. Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? It feels as if the universe is punishing me for something. The weather seems to adjust itself to my mood, or does my mood adjust to the weather?
The cat seems to sense my depressed mood and came to see if I was okay, lovely creatures.

The thing about humans that keeps me baffled is our nature to hurt one another. And not just one another, but everyone around us. A friend told me about their mum's cat getting molested and it broke my heart. How can people be so cruel to a kind creature like that? I myself am too afraid to let my cats outside on the balcony in fear they might fall off.

I love this world with all my heart, including all that live on it. But sometimes this world breaks my heart so much I wonder why I came here. People can be such bastards. I so badly want to understand people, what moves them, makes them do the things they do? Therapy has taught me I cannot understand all people, I may ask them to tell me, but sometimes they won't want to tell, or it's better not to ask. I cannot control what other people do. I can control my own actions and my own life up to a point. All I can do is try to be the best human I can, but how can I when I don't understand what Being Human exactly is? I sometimes feel I missed a class at school, teaching me what Human Life is supposed to be. I learned about the human body, though mine seems to have missed the memo how to behave as well, I learned about the human psyche but found out that every person is an exception to the rules. People are SO weird!

Please save me from this world.

                                                                     ~Cinderella~

So, a while back, I started playing World of Warcraft again. I had played in the past but quit due to drama and just overall being done with the game. Some time ago I logged in again to see if I could get re-acquainted with the new expansion and see if I enjoyed playing.
During my free 10-day trial I met someone while doing an instance. He started talking to me about the game and coming back when having played before and how it went.
We got along so we started questing together and just had a good time. We kept in touch in game and played together when possible.

Today he came online when I was in-game to tell me

Publishing note: I don't remember when I wrote it, just that is was somewhere in 2015. I want all my rantings to be online, otherwise, why do I write? So the date is probably off. And I have to idea what I wanted to write, or what he came online to tell me, kinda curious now xD