You know, like, fairytale endings? Well, I'm still dreaming about mine. I wonder if this ever stops. I have a good life, good stuff is happening. I am married to a great guy. I gave a nice house, a job that I love.

Then why, am I still waiting? What's so great about fairytales anyway? It always ends with a happy every after. Isn't that when it all starts? Boy meets girl, they fall in love... Get married. And then the story just stops. What do they do after that? What does a happy ending entail? What even is happiness?

I can't help but feel that life should be something more. I don't know what, just more. More than going to work every day and having a mortgage and doing laundry and the dishes... It's just dull, isn't it? Therefore, there must be something more to life. Because if it's just 50 something more years of this, why bother?

Ugh. I should just go to sleep and hope tomorrow will be a bit brighter. 

Ramblings, as per usual

 I just noticed that all my latest posts are about you. Why can't I be free of you? Why are you still in my thoughts and dreams?

I dreamed about you. You just showed up at my house one day, with your 6 year old son. Craziest dream, but awesome at the same time. You were so happy. Such a proud dad. I hope with all my heart that this will be in your future ❤️

I still hope you'll get back in touch with me some day. If only so that I can explain what happened before and why. 

I don't think you've ever realised what you mean to me. And sometimes I wonder if you cared at all. I somehow feel that "online" doesn't mean the same to you as "real". Although some people online are trolls and just laughing at others, most people out there are on the Internet for rather more serious reasons. And the fact that we find them funny or pitiful doesn't mean that their intentions are so. For instance, I'm part of a cat group on Facebook. Just because I thought that would be fun. In reality there seem to be a lot of really dumb people asking help with the cat related issues. Most of the time I think it's really silly and useless stuff to take all that time to put a question up on Facebook, when just googling the answer, or calling the vet for advice, would be so much quicker and way more efficient!

Not sure why I went into that rant, it's just something that's been bothering me a while. I may have to exit that Facebook group. Seems like it annoys me rather a lot more than I realised.

How do people cope with all these emotions and feelings anyway? It's exhausting. I've only recently learned that I am an introvert. And that a lot of the things I experience are not as weird as I thought they were. A lot of people experience the same things! I wish I found Instagram years ago. There is a lot on there that helps me make sense of who I am and the world around me. 

 I sadly don't have a song with my husband.

But we do have a song. Don't you forget....

https://youtu.be/pE2YKq_093U 

 How can I hate you and miss you at the same time? It's so annoying! 

Howl's Moving Castle

 I have just finished watching Howl's Moving Castle. I think I just realized this might be my all time favorite movie. Ever since the first time I saw this I feel in love with it, and Howl, obviously.

I don't think there's anyone in my life who understands my love and slight obsession for other worlds and other lives. Whenever I am reading a book, or watching a movie, I can identify with a character so much, I can feel their feelings and dream their dreams. This makes it so that I can escape my own life for a while.

I often wonder, is this really all there is to life? Just this moving from day to day, every day until we die. What is the purpose of our being on this world? 

In a book or a movie, at some point, a goal will be presented and the main character will have to overcome hardships and achieve the goal. Usually followed by a happy ever-after. But no one ever shows what happens after that. What does a happy ever-after look like?  How does one know it is a happy ever-after, and what makes it happy? How does everlasting happiness even look like or feel like? No one seems to know. And people keep telling me that everlasting happiness is not realistic nor healthy. 

I wonder, where does my obsession with fantasy come from? Why do I feel the need to escape my real life and fly off to some pretty world? 

I guess I'll never find out. I'll just fly off and dream of other worlds with perfect fantasy people. 

Hope

 I miss you so, so much.

I thought I'd safely locked my feelings away, to never have to feel the pain. But yesterday my friend tore it all open. Not sure why, but she did. And now I'm overrun with feelings that I cannot deal with.

Without you I feel so lost.

When I said I love you, I meant it. I don't think you know just how much you mean to me. Have always meant to me.

I was going to run away with you and live with you and have great adventures.

My fantasy running away with me it seems, as usual.

When life in this reality is no fun, I just make up something better and flee there and stay for a while.

You became my fantasy world for a while. Taking me with you around the world and away from my boring life.

So thank you for that. Thank you for being a fantasy. Because now you seem nothing more than that. A fantasy, a dream. Too good to be true.

Shall I ever know the truth? I think not. So I will continue to idalize you and make up the best adventures for you to take me on from time to time.

For it seems so clear to me now that I will never get to actually know you, be with you. Feel you.

But that is how it must be. For surely there must be a reason for all this. I have to believe that everything will become clear at some point.

Just like the meaning of life will hopefully become clear at some point.

There must be a meaning to all this, right? We can't just all be ants on a hill. There has to be a bigger idea to humanity. To not just be the stink on this planet, killing and polluting it.

Some times in life we meet people or experience things that make us think that this life is worth living. That there is a meaning to this.

I am still waiting to hear my calling. What is my point in this life? So far it seems all I can do well is dissapoint or get dissapointed. That can't be all there is.... I hope.

I have this feeling that I need to be free, to soar the skies. But I haven't any wings. I'm stuck here on the surface.

But let's remain hopeful and as positive as possible. All will reveal itself at some point.

To hopefulness. 

 I've been wanting to write here since last night. But now that I opened my blog I have no idea what to put here.

I feel drained and gutted and just want to hide away from the world. I feel betrayed. 

Somewhat Ironic maybe. Is this how she felt when I just cut her off with no good reason? Probably karma then, getting back at me.

Am I really such a bad person then? Makes me wonder.

Should I allow myself to wallow in self-pity or should I just kick myself back into gear and get on with it? And how do I make that decison? 

So many questions and so little answers. I still don't really understand why you decided this. At least without telling me, without giving me a chance to understand or try to change. Does our friendship really mean that little to you?

The fact is, I may have projected my ideas and expectations on you and not looked at you for who you are, but tried to make you fit my idea of you. I shall have to think about this. 

The only certainty I have right now is the belief that life will run its course and everything happens for a reason. So I will have to move forward and believe that the reason for this will present itself to me in time. 

Time will tell.

The joy of books

 I have just finished reading Going Postal. I believe only read this book once before. The joy of reading a book I've only read once (or maybe twice or thee times, by the look of the spine)! 

Even better, when I went to my bookcase to get the follow up on this book (Making Money), I found out there is another book (Raising Steam), to follow that one! Ohhhh the anticipation of being able to read two more books about Moist von Lipwig instead of just one.... This might just be the happiest I can get. 

The best part, I really am sure that I read Raising Steam only once! I kinda sorta remember what it was about, but I only read it once! 

So giddy with anticipation, I will now start reading Making Money. This storyline is so good! 

Choices

 Okay let's try this again. Does this work? Not sure if I'll be able to keep writing. My spell check is refusing to switch to English and all the red lines really takes away the fun in writing anything. 

Okay I'll just try to ignore the red lines >.< I have no idea how I fix this though.

I wanted to talk about choices. Specifically the choice to be happy or unhappy. I've come to believe that this is a choice. Life is just life. It has a start and an end, everything in between is unknown. 

We make our own happiness. Or our own misery (OH YEAH I finally managed to fix the spelling =)

I need a cleverer computer. One that just gets the language I'm using at that moment and adjusting itself to it... Why else do these machines exist, if not to serve us? Instead of annoy us? I've got humanity to annoy me, I need my computer to work.

Got lost in the mess that is my mind yet? Yeah? Me too.

I was going to do a nice and positive-ish post for a change, but it looks like it's going to be random ramblings again, oh well.

So the choice I have right now, is to keep struggling to get something useful down, of just accept that this is the current state of my mind and get on doing something instead of sitting here trying to make sense of myself. Which I suck at anyway.

Hah! I just found out where the random music came from, the other day. I was in my car and didn't want to listen to the radio because, meh. So I yelled at my phone to play me some nice music. I said this in Dutch and asked for "nummers die ik leuk vind", it actually managed to play me some nice music, which I had never played on Spotify before. I just now noticed that it found me a playlist that is called "nummers die ik leuk vind" 😂. So there is this random Dutch girl that likes a lot of music that I like as well. She just listens too much Dutch music for my taste, but otherwise there's a lot there that I actually like. I think this is awesome! 

Ok I'm so giddy now, just finding this out that I'm just gonna stop writing and leave on a happy note! (yay)

I just googled "happy" to see what came up to suit my mood, this is actually the first picture that came up, and I couldn't agree more =D

Oh Deary Me

 Writing always helps. So I should write more often. Luckily, I have this blog. I'm pretty sure no one reads this, but at least I can tell myself I have an audience.

Firstly, I want to thank you for being my friend. You've been with me through many a breakdown and never disappointed me.

My head is not making any sense at the moment and I should probably go to bed. So this will just be random thoughts and feelings being written down here. 

I'll try writing again soon. Just too tired right now.

Reading back my old blog posts is not a good idea when not feeling too well. Gods, what a depressing blog this is. The only time I actually write stuff down here is when I don't have anyone to actually talk to or when my mind is not making enough sense to talk to anyone. Although it is kinda fun to try and figure out who I was writing to at that moment in time. Because I always have someone in mind when typing here. I just never mention their names.

I don't think you will ever read this, but this is me still trying to tell you not to worry about me. When reading back my old posts, I have to admit that I might worry about myself for a while. 

Things will probably look a lot brighter in the morning.

Just once again pondering myself. Who am I? Who do I want to be in this life? Who do I want to be with? What is the purpose of this life?

I could go on.

When I read this back in the morning, will I laugh? Will I cry? Will I just shake my head in disappointment?