Sorry in advance, I just need to rant.

This past week, I have felt SO GOOD. My body was working, I was feeling better. My head felt in a better place, I was ready to enjoy life again. Sounds good, right?

Today, I'm not having a good day. My body hurts all over, I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I can't get out of my own head, I feel like giving up on life, like I won't ever feel good again.

I'm so annoyed by this. I know I will feel better again, I know I am getting stronger and better and my therapy is working. I just can't feel it and believe it today. 

I'm just pissed at myself for not being able to accept this bad day and just ride it out, go to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be better.

The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm so, so afraid that this will be my life forever, flying high when I can but crashing so, so hard every time. I've always done this. And I'm supposed to be learning not to. To be learning how to cope with the ups and downs and to make sure I don't crash anymore. 

There just seems to be too much going on at the moment. I have to work on my health to get better and hopefully have a nice life. I also have to work so hard to see if I can get back to work, at the same time I have to focus on getting better and not on work. I also have to explore different kinds of jobs so that if I can't do my own job anymore I have other options. I haven't looked for a job in 10 years and it scares me to even think about writing letters and presenting myself in a good way. I don't think I'm all that special, I don't think I have a lot of skills that someone else doesn't also have. 10 years ago I couldn't even manage to find another job, and at that point I was very motivated to do so! Now I just want to get back to my job if I can and just enjoy life again.

I feel alone and invisible. I have major FOMO. I feel like I'm missing out on my own life... Just endlessly standing at the side-lines, watching others live. While I wait for my turn. Only it's never my turn. 

I want so many things. I want adventure and travel, I want to be content and happy, I want a baby so badly it hurts. 

So I push all my wants and dreams away and just try to soldier on.

I don't want to crawl, I want to soar!

But I was born without wings, and I'm terrified of heights so I guess crawling it is. 

Usually writing stuff down helps. Today it just makes me sad. And lonely. 

Well, I suppose that was my rant. I feel empty. Not lighter, just empty, dead inside.

Let's hope that tomorrow will actually be better.

And if not, I'll just run away to a dreamworld. Some nice place in the woods or mountains, with a beautiful hearth and a library, comfy seats and cushions everywhere. And a perfect, made up person, who always understands me.

I'll see you in my dreams...