I'm in lesbians with you

Crashing back into Earth

I want to thank you for opening my eyes. For forcing me to look at myself. Stripping me of all my dignity and sanity. Making me feel so helpless that I needed to find back my strength. I know how strong I am. I feel my power running through me. I can give power but also take it.

Today I made a discovery. The color Blue is urging me to speak up for myself. To be honest to myself, but also to accept and let go. To accept what I let happen to me and to let it go and forgive myself. I did this to myself. No one else. Blaming you was wrong. You were just a trigger to something hidden inside me for a long time. My insecurity. My sense of worthlessness.

So thank you.

Thank you.

Thank.
You.

Part 2: staying sane

Alright. So I managed to regain my sanity, thank you for starting to talk to me again. Which presents a whole new problem for me. Which I shall call my overenthusiastic personality. I always dive in head first and think later. You've raised more than just sexual curiosity. You're mysterious. And mysteries scream at me to get unraveled. So now, instead of the panic I felt yesterday, my head is filled with questions. And I have to stop myself from firing them at you all at once. My head is so full I feel like it's going to explode. I have to stop myself from thinking for a second to actually figure out what it is that I am thinking. There's a whirlwind going on in my mind that makes it hard to function. I know what I need to clear this up. Which is info enough to make a complete picture in my head. 

I want to get into your head, under your skin. And I know I'm good at that. And I'm not proud of it. But since you got into my head, and the rest, I haven't been able to get you out. I've tried. Doing other things, trying to occupy my day with other stuff. Enough to do, I have a lot to do! But somehow I seem to end up in bed, cuddling the pillow that still smells like you. 

I honestly don't know what is happening to me, and I've never felt like this before. A pretty big part of me is terrified that you'll read this and it'll scare you away. And fucking hell, I wouldn't blame you! I'm convinces that the inside of my mind is not a pretty place, and I should know, I live there. 

What irks me most is the wall I keep running into. (it is a miracle I don't have a headache...) 
The fact that I can see it when you've been checking your phone. And haven't responded to me or sent me anything. I keep telling myself not to push to hard. Give some space, I keep telling myself. Take some time. Take it easy. Well, let me tell you something, that's not how I bloody work! I dive headfirst into walls and then start to wonder where the BONK came from and why it hurts. Hello and welcome in my whirlwind....

The one think that stops my thinking is dancing. And tomorrow I will go to a party. Which is in the city where you live. So naturally that makes my head think and make little plans again. Don't need to tell you what that involves.  

                                                                - Zap Poof Whoosh-

Regaining sanity

So, writing helps me clear my head. It always has. So it should today. The problem is, I don't know where to start, how to write or how to make sense of how I'm feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling. The only thing I know is that I felt great, slightly insane, but great. Right now I feel a lot insane and not great at all. I feel as if a part of me has been stolen, it's still in me but no longer belongs to me. That feeling was fine and exciting for as long as the high lasted, 'cause that's what it felt like, an amazing high. Coming down from that cold turkey is the worst pain I've had to endure in my life it seems. The world seems like a less colorful place and I feel depressed. And the one thing I crave it out of reach. Which is probably a good thing by the way.
I'm having trouble eating, focusing, my head is unclear. There is one thought always seeming to be bouncing up and down before the rest, making it impossible to focus on anything else. Him.
Why?
Because I let him. I let my guard down in a way I have never before and let someone in. Someone that, for a time, filled my whole world with purpose. And whenever I stop writing now, let my focus slip for a few seconds, I feel the dread flowing back in. A fear, un-describable, a feeling for having something slip through my fingers, like sand on the beach.
And at the same time, I feel so silly. So stupid. Because I know how this happened. I gave him power. A power over me that I didn't know existed. And I let him. And I enjoyed it. And it was good. And now it's gone, and I'm left with a feeling of panic. Checking my phone every few minutes just to see if he was online, is he going to talk to me? Make me feel safe again? Take away the pain and bring back the pleasure? And the answer every time is no. It feels like a slap in my face every time. And I keep reminding myself that I let this happen. I let my guard down and let a stranger in and take power. My power. The power I fought so hard to gain and hold.
I feel like I'm standing in a storm trying to hold the wind in my hand. An impossible task of course. Then why don't I stop trying? Why do I keep checking my phone? Why do I need it so to hear from him?

So far, not regaining any sanity. Just feeling tired and empty.

- Mae out -

Life in general. And specific.

As I go through my Facebook photos, sadness comes over me. Sadness and regret. Every memory that I have, every picture I look at, I remember that phase of my life and I just wish I could tell myself the things I know now. Tell younger me to enjoy the moments a little more, to know they don't last.

Nothing ever does seem to last, does it? Every moment is a fleeting one, gone before you know it. 

Every day of my life, I try to be better than I am at that moment. Try to be the best I could be. To live life the fullest, best way I can. To experience all that is given to me. But when I look back, I realize with great sadness that my happy moments, the moments in which I accept myself and my life, are slim. I can look back on the life I've had so far and the moments of happiness just pass too quickly. 

The doubts I have in myself are many. The hardest thing seems to be, to let myself be happy. Allow myself to feel loved by the people that I know do love me. 

Why is it so much easier to think of ways to make sure my happiness won't last? Easier than to imagine ways to ensure my being happy and healthy. 

Sometimes I feel like I try to live multiple lives at once. Experiencing the whole of being at the same time. Doing that, it's no big surprise I'm never happy, never satisfied. 

I just wish I could love myself a little more, the me I am now. Not the me of so many years ago, who is easy to love, because she is gone forever, will never be back. So safe, to love the past versions of yourself. So scary, to love your current self. With every flaw and every fault and every feeling of doubt and self loathing. To turn all that into love, takes years. 

Time, I have plenty. Patience, not so much. 

Memories are all we have in the end. So I try to make as many good memories as I can, so that I can remember happiness more profound.

Smell is a big part of memories for me. Or sound. I associate feeling with smell and sound or movement. Any trigger can be so powerful. Especially since I can't surround myself with smells anymore. 

Since I started dancing, I created many beautiful memories. When I hear a specific song,  I'm immediately back on the dance floor, remembering a beautiful connection with someone else. To connect that way, with a complete stranger, it's something magical to me. I have such issues trusting people, letting them close, letting them know me. I don't know how to talk to people that I don't know, never know what to talk about. But when dancing, you don't have to talk. You converse in a completely different way. Sometimes, after a dance, you feel like you know someone, intimately, just for a moment. Then you walk away, the connection disappears, but you leave a bit of yourself behind. 
A memory. 
Of something beautiful. 


Something beautiful...

~ Cinderella ~