Regaining sanity

So, writing helps me clear my head. It always has. So it should today. The problem is, I don't know where to start, how to write or how to make sense of how I'm feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling. The only thing I know is that I felt great, slightly insane, but great. Right now I feel a lot insane and not great at all. I feel as if a part of me has been stolen, it's still in me but no longer belongs to me. That feeling was fine and exciting for as long as the high lasted, 'cause that's what it felt like, an amazing high. Coming down from that cold turkey is the worst pain I've had to endure in my life it seems. The world seems like a less colorful place and I feel depressed. And the one thing I crave it out of reach. Which is probably a good thing by the way.
I'm having trouble eating, focusing, my head is unclear. There is one thought always seeming to be bouncing up and down before the rest, making it impossible to focus on anything else. Him.
Why?
Because I let him. I let my guard down in a way I have never before and let someone in. Someone that, for a time, filled my whole world with purpose. And whenever I stop writing now, let my focus slip for a few seconds, I feel the dread flowing back in. A fear, un-describable, a feeling for having something slip through my fingers, like sand on the beach.
And at the same time, I feel so silly. So stupid. Because I know how this happened. I gave him power. A power over me that I didn't know existed. And I let him. And I enjoyed it. And it was good. And now it's gone, and I'm left with a feeling of panic. Checking my phone every few minutes just to see if he was online, is he going to talk to me? Make me feel safe again? Take away the pain and bring back the pleasure? And the answer every time is no. It feels like a slap in my face every time. And I keep reminding myself that I let this happen. I let my guard down and let a stranger in and take power. My power. The power I fought so hard to gain and hold.
I feel like I'm standing in a storm trying to hold the wind in my hand. An impossible task of course. Then why don't I stop trying? Why do I keep checking my phone? Why do I need it so to hear from him?

So far, not regaining any sanity. Just feeling tired and empty.

- Mae out -