Hope

 I miss you so, so much.

I thought I'd safely locked my feelings away, to never have to feel the pain. But yesterday my friend tore it all open. Not sure why, but she did. And now I'm overrun with feelings that I cannot deal with.

Without you I feel so lost.

When I said I love you, I meant it. I don't think you know just how much you mean to me. Have always meant to me.

I was going to run away with you and live with you and have great adventures.

My fantasy running away with me it seems, as usual.

When life in this reality is no fun, I just make up something better and flee there and stay for a while.

You became my fantasy world for a while. Taking me with you around the world and away from my boring life.

So thank you for that. Thank you for being a fantasy. Because now you seem nothing more than that. A fantasy, a dream. Too good to be true.

Shall I ever know the truth? I think not. So I will continue to idalize you and make up the best adventures for you to take me on from time to time.

For it seems so clear to me now that I will never get to actually know you, be with you. Feel you.

But that is how it must be. For surely there must be a reason for all this. I have to believe that everything will become clear at some point.

Just like the meaning of life will hopefully become clear at some point.

There must be a meaning to all this, right? We can't just all be ants on a hill. There has to be a bigger idea to humanity. To not just be the stink on this planet, killing and polluting it.

Some times in life we meet people or experience things that make us think that this life is worth living. That there is a meaning to this.

I am still waiting to hear my calling. What is my point in this life? So far it seems all I can do well is dissapoint or get dissapointed. That can't be all there is.... I hope.

I have this feeling that I need to be free, to soar the skies. But I haven't any wings. I'm stuck here on the surface.

But let's remain hopeful and as positive as possible. All will reveal itself at some point.

To hopefulness. 

 I've been wanting to write here since last night. But now that I opened my blog I have no idea what to put here.

I feel drained and gutted and just want to hide away from the world. I feel betrayed. 

Somewhat Ironic maybe. Is this how she felt when I just cut her off with no good reason? Probably karma then, getting back at me.

Am I really such a bad person then? Makes me wonder.

Should I allow myself to wallow in self-pity or should I just kick myself back into gear and get on with it? And how do I make that decison? 

So many questions and so little answers. I still don't really understand why you decided this. At least without telling me, without giving me a chance to understand or try to change. Does our friendship really mean that little to you?

The fact is, I may have projected my ideas and expectations on you and not looked at you for who you are, but tried to make you fit my idea of you. I shall have to think about this. 

The only certainty I have right now is the belief that life will run its course and everything happens for a reason. So I will have to move forward and believe that the reason for this will present itself to me in time. 

Time will tell.