Sometimes it's not fair being a good person. I generally think I'm a good person. I'm always there for people, always mind to say "thank you" even though I don't mean it. Because it is the right thing to do. In return, I expect the same thing from the people around me. And they keep disappointing me. Again and again. Some days I'm not even sure why I bother. 

What it currently bothering me most, is the fact a former colleague of mine has got a new job. Good for her, I'm sincerely glad she got it. No problem there. She did however, ask me for my resume and the letter I wrote to the new job I got a few weeks before. Gladly I sent her the documents, hoping it would improve her chances getting the job. What really stings me though, is the fact she hasn't told me she got the job. I heard it from a friend. 
We have worked together for years and always had fun. I left only a few weeks before and couldn't help but compare the goodbye I got and the goodbye they're already organizing for her now (I got emails about that form my former work.) I've never complained about the party that was thrown for me, or the fact that only 2 people I worked with at the time (who organized it) bothered to actually come to the party. It was a good party, I had a good time and got a present I'm happy with (which does not however remind me so much of work, more of the friend who bought it for me.) So no complaining there. Then what's the big deal you might ask? The effort already put in this gift, a photo album. How nice. I didn't get one. She will. Sure, no problem. Oh wait, there is where my problem actually starts. That actually hurts. I love photos, am always making them, have always made photo albums for colleagues who left. I won't have one, unless I make one for myself. And that's a bit sad, so I won't. 

The whole thing just makes me feel under appreciated and unimportant. The fact that I know it's not true, doesn't help a bit. It just makes me angry with myself and want to sit in a corner and cry at how pathetic I am. 

I'm not exactly sure where this kind of jealousy (for that's what it is, isn't it?) comes from. At some point last year, I had the feeling she could be my friend. Later my friend pointed out she was not exactly the type to txt back or call to ask how you are, ergo, not friend material. Which got me thinking, as I always wonder, why didn't I see this? Why do I need others to make me realize stuff about people. It pisses me off and makes me sad at the same time. Why can't my feelings about other people (which are generally liking and accepting) just work out to work two ways? When I like someone, feel bad for their back luck in life, some other person has to tell me I can't trust them because they lie. And later it turns out  the person who told me not to trust the first one, can't be trusted either.... It's so confusing. 

I've sometimes wondered if I can only trust myself? That would make my life so incredibly boring. I don't mind telling you, I don't to well on my own. I'm a people person. Hah, how ironic is that, if I can't even tell who to trust and who not to?! 

Some days I love humanity no matter what. Other days I wonder why. People will hurt one another and will keep doing so until the end of time. Well let the bastards hurt other bastards but please leave me be.
And leave animals alone. When I see or hear what people will do to animals, I feel like bits of me die. I love animals better than people most of the time. They don't lie, ever. They will love you back if you love them. No questions asked. 

And now I think I'm going to take a long shower and cry for humanity.


~ Cinderella ~