firstly a note to my only reader:
You will not confront me about this post, I need to rant.
Secondly, I hope you forgive me. (again)


While sitting here, boredom hits me. What should I do now...? Sadly, remembering shit from yesterday paranoid thoughts come up and fill my head. So I do the only thing I can at a time like this, check it out. So I logged in on Facebook and start searching for a message I know isn't there. Thinking I found something else I start reading, heart pounding, feeling ashamed and excited at the same time. After reading for a few minutes I just want to slap myself in de face. I fooled myself again, yay me.

The first person to tell you a relationship has to be built on trust or cannot otherwise exist, wil be me. But I still wonder every time it hits me, where do these other feelings come from? The ones afraid of betrayal, the feeling to must have control, know everything. I know I cannot know everything and I should stop trying to find out bad stuff about people I love.

The fact I couldn't resist again, fills me with self-loathing. That I just have to know, even though I know I trust him completely.

Question remains, where do all these feelings come from? I simply cannot keep blaming my ex. Surely some of it is in my nature. Plus, I would like to stop blaming him for stuff in general. It's done, I've moved on.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't done what I did, that whole relationship, the pain, the insecurity, the blaming myself for anything that happened.

Honestly, I'm glad no one reads this blog anyway, people wouldn't understand my rantings, it's not anything enjoyable to read, I don't inform or review, I just rant about my sad little life.

Fact is though, my head is just full atm and I need to get rid of it. I don't keep a diary because I cannot write. And since I can type, I will just blab all my stupid little thoughts out on the web. Having changed my name in order to avoid my ex getting angry at everything I put down.

So why am I still writing now? I put everything bothering me down already.
Fact is, I think I'm bothering myself. Might just be me being ill atm not being too happy about myself.

Yeah, I do think I'm about done now, plus I really cannot concentrate with my boyfriend acting all weird all the time.


- Cinderella