Really I should be cleaning, showering, doing groceries or gaming. Failing at all of them atm. 's got to be a new achievement of some kind, failing at 4 things at the same time. Add eating to that list.
Anyway, somehow ended up looking through all my photographs of the last 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years. Been through 2 relationships, have gone on a lot of holidays, made a lot of friends, dyed my hair a lot, on and on it goes. I used to take a lot more photo's then nowadays. Maybe I should pic my camera up again. Photos are needed to keep my memories. Looking at all those years made me realize I tend to get stuck in the negative of things. Thinking of M. there's mostly happy memories anyway, except for the last months when things went downhill. That is what I see in my photos, I see happy people in love, thinking back it still hurts a little. I don't think you forget you first love. Everything is fresh and new and exciting and a little scary. It's good we've had those years. It's good they've passed. Heartbroken as I was at that time, vulnerable for any love I could get. Still wondering how I could've let it happen the way it did. I don't think it's ever been fair to him anyway. Talking about J now. I somehow keep wondering what was up with me and why it all happened. But looking at the photos I realized I did love him, we did have good times. It wasn't easy all the time, I wasn't happy all the time. But is he to blame? I don't think so, not all of it anyway. I blame myself for not being honest with myself, with him. But how could you tell someone you know you're not forever? I had fun, as long as it lasted. And when the time came to move on, I could. Easily, because I'd always told myself I could leave when I wanted, I had no obligations towards this ... boy? Looking at the photos made me realize he is a good person, and I've always known. He doesn't deserve the way I sometimes think and talk about him. He can't help having a shitty family and bad luck with his looks. Deep down, I've always believed he could be something more, be better. I just wasn't the person to show him, it felt too much like work. And still I regret sticking with it for so long. Although I'm convinced it's all been the exact right time, for everything. Nothing ever happens coincidentally, it all has a bigger meaning.
Lately I have been thinking a lot. And I can't seem to figure out why. Maybe it's because I am me again. For some years I've pretended to be someone I'm not. It's not me to shut up and smile and nod when I have something to say. To agree on things I disagree on so much. You cannot pin me down and make me do things. I'm a free spirit. I need to be able to fly away and settle down again when it's my time. Now, when I think about my life, my Me, I can for the first time in my life say, I am Free. I have my own home, my own job, my own will. I do what I want, when I want it.
Happiness does exist, you just have to make it yourself. I have always been waiting and wishing for it, but I have somehow shown myself that it is Me that has to be happy on my own. There isn't anyone who can snap their fingers and assure my happiness. I can. It may not be as easy as just snapping your fingers, but it helps.
- Fly like an Eagle.
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