Here We Are Now Entertain Us

Love lifts us up where we belong,
Where eagles fly, on a mountain high.

But love can also chop you down,
leave you bleedin' in the gutter.

For the past 2 days I've been sort of catapulted between the two. Rather tiring I can tell you. One moment to burst into tears at the very thought, the other missing him and just wishing I could forget.

As usual, the only person I blame is me. As there is no one else to blame as usual.
We all get what we deserve don't we? Well, I sometimes get a sniff of happiness and believe it's my turn to be happy for a change. The next moment I get cut down like a tree and find myself lying down on the floor, looking up and wondering wth just happened.

This is really the story of my life. As far as I can think back, I find myself looking up. Growing towards the light again, feeling the sun on my leaves for some time. Then getting cut down again, processed into firewood and ending up in someones stove.

Why I think like this? No idea. Just felt like the best way to describe it.

Also wondering why I have to change to English when I'm upset of overjoyed? Not really have a clear answer to that either. I suppose it's easier. I express myself easier in English than Dutch. Always have since I learned English.

I should be asleep right now, have a party to go to later.
But I just had to tell someone how I feel.
And as there's no one that really gets me atm, I write it to you.
My dear reader, who is anonymous. Who is always there for me, never asks questions, lets me be myself completely.

It's nice, you know, to sometimes just "talk" to someone. Someone that won't answer, won't wait for me to say more, but will never interrupt me when I do speak. Always willing to hear my stories, not judging me for being me.

I know I'm a messed up person, always have when I think about it.
Although we never talk about it, there's few people truly happy with who they are. What they look like, what their name is. This is things you can change of course, up to a certain point.

But sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Failing my mission here in the world, without even knowing what it is.
Because you won't know 'till afterwards of course. But here I am, wondering. Do I do wrong? If so, what is it I do wrong and how could I change that? If not, why don't I get the feeling I'm on the right track, and should continue the way I go. It's a bit late to request to cancel the mission I guess. Lost my receipt, no takings back.

And so we plough on. Bumping into things, falling down, getting back up again, searching for the lost. Finding rather little of that I must admit. I got out of the dark a bit but just fell right back in again yesterday. I think it's been at least 3 or 4 years ago I've felt this upset. This lost. I still know who I am, just can't seem to figure out right at this moment where I came from, how I came to be this and how to move forward again. for we must continue forward. There is no turning back, choices have been made, scratched into me so I remember for at least a few days.

Let us pray to the Goddess; to show the way, light the darkness and help find the way. Get me back on track again as I will always serve you. I root in your soil, it is your sunlight and rain that make me grow and blossom. Please, dear Mother, save me from this eternal darkness I seem to find myself in. I know now my ways have been bad, I will work hard to better myself. I see now. Thank you, Mother, Blessed be You for now and ever.